He went home to be with our
Heavenly Father two years ago this coming February. It seems like it was only yesterday. Some days I feel like I am doing okay, but
then other days are like today…
The loneliness is
debilitating. I only accomplish anything
by dent of will. I just want to sleep or
play mindless, time-wasting games. I don’t
want to go out. I don’t want to talk to
anyone. Yet, I don’t want to be
alone. I call on my children way too
often and when I do go out I still feel this endless, ceaseless, soul-numbing
loneliness.
In the beginning I tried filling
it with constant busyness. I tried
filling it with endless hours of unnecessary, mind-numbing shopping. I went on a cruise and a non-stop
sight-seeing, constant busy trip to St. Louis and New York City. I have tried to immerse myself in reading and
writing only to sit before a blank screen, only to read one paragraph over and
over. Then to end up sitting in front of
my computer playing freecell, solitaire,
spider solitaire, and mahjong for hours and hours on end.
At one point I became obsessed
with a new thing called Pinterest. I
would spend up to eight hours a day on it, just surfing and finding things …
things … things … not making any progress in anything. Not accomplishing anything. Not doing … anything.
It has been nearly two years and
I still feel … … … LOST!
Lord, in spite of all You have been to me, done for me, seen me
through, I still feel … alone … lost … sad … empty. I have finally begun to write. I find solace and promise in that. But I do it for You. Because I love You. Because I adore You. Because I want to please You. I have joy because of You … in You … from
You.
BUT
I feel guilty because I am Your daughter and I should be moving ahead, getting
on with my life and I feel like I am on some days. On other days I feel terribly sad, emotional,
moody. On those days, I feel I have let
You down. My progress seems minute and I
feel defeated. I refuse to give up
because I know there is the promise and possibility that I will get to share
You through my writing serve You with my heart, my hands, my life, by serving
others.
Some
days I wonder though, Heavenly Father, am I really going to make a
difference. Will I get to share You in
Word, in deed, and in fact. Or will I
let You down with my pitiful efforts and constant setbacks. Will I get any of Your books finished, let
alone published? Will I find a job to
sustain me? Am I capable of working a
job? Or am I too lazy, too weak, to
unwilling? Will the debilitating
loneliness ever disappear? Will the
anguish ever ease? Will the sorrow ever turn
to joy? Will I really make a difference
for You or am I too lazy and self-centered to put You first?
It
matters. It matters to me because I love
You so much and all I have done over the last, nearly two years, is make myself
live and function and continue on to honor, glorify and share You. It matters because I have to force myself to
go out, to eat, to get things accomplished, to meet others, to leave my house,
to continue on. I do this for You while
I wonder if it will ever change and life return to my heart, my soul, my life.
I
honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions. Until I do, I will continue to do these
things for You, in honor of You and Hope in You, because I know that no matter
how dead and useless I feel, Your Word is my Sword and my defense and Your Word
does not come back unfulfilled. I know
that You do have a plan and a future for me, a future of promise and for
good. So for now, I hold on to those
promises and am thankful for another day with You in it, because YOU are my
God, my Hope, my Future, and my Life. I
trust and believe in You and I give You my life to You to use for Your honor,
glory, and Will. I thank You for Your
blessings, promises, and most of all Your Son. Amen.
Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams
