Lost NOT Alone

         I AM LOST!

         The only thing that has been holding me together the last, nearly, two years is GOD.  Without Him I would have lost it, either gone insane or done something insane.  Living without Robert has been hell on earth.  This makes me realize that my life would be in chaos and out-of-control without God.

         Just imagine a life without God … it would be … … well … …well … I don’t even want to contemplate a life without GOD.  It would be far worse than hell on earth. It would be unendurable.  It is my greatest nightmare, my greatest fear.  Life without God would be untenable.

I am so glad that I don’t have to imagine it.  Ever since God held out His hand and took the hand of this little girl on those stone church steps 48 or 49 years ago, I have been clinging to Him and getting to know Him.  Our relationship has been problematic (on my side) at times, but HE has never ever (I know it is not grammatical) left me or let me down. 

I may be bewildered, confused, perplexed, abandoned, and fragile at this point, but the truth is, I AM NOT ALONE!!! My Heavenly Father is with me.  I am clinging to His hand, holding Him to His promises, and thankful for His PRESENCE in my life. I know that somewhere around the corner He has great plans for me.  My life may be shaken, but my Foundation is stable and secure.  I am wanted!  I am loved!  I am cherished!  I am blessed!

May God bless you and your family this Christmas season as you get together with your family, or as, if you are like me, you sit at home with, or without, pets; I hope you know too that God loves YOU!

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

A WIDOW WONDERS

               He went home to be with our Heavenly Father two years ago this coming February.  It seems like it was only yesterday.  Some days I feel like I am doing okay, but then other days are like today…

               The loneliness is debilitating.  I only accomplish anything by dent of will.  I just want to sleep or play mindless, time-wasting games.  I don’t want to go out.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  Yet, I don’t want to be alone.  I call on my children way too often and when I do go out I still feel this endless, ceaseless, soul-numbing loneliness. 

               In the beginning I tried filling it with constant busyness.  I tried filling it with endless hours of unnecessary, mind-numbing shopping.  I went on a cruise and a non-stop sight-seeing, constant busy trip to St. Louis and New York City.  I have tried to immerse myself in reading and writing only to sit before a blank screen, only to read one paragraph over and over.  Then to end up sitting in front of my computer playing freecell,  solitaire, spider solitaire, and mahjong for hours and hours on end.

               At one point I became obsessed with a new thing called Pinterest.  I would spend up to eight hours a day on it, just surfing and finding things … things … things … not making any progress in anything.  Not accomplishing anything.  Not doing … anything. 

               It has been nearly two years and I still feel … … … LOST!

               Lord, in spite of all You have been to me, done for me, seen me through, I still feel … alone … lost … sad … empty.  I have finally begun to write.  I find solace and promise in that.  But I do it for You.  Because I love You.  Because I adore You.  Because I want to please You.  I have joy because of You … in You … from You.

               BUT I feel guilty because I am Your daughter and I should be moving ahead, getting on with my life and I feel like I am on some days.  On other days I feel terribly sad, emotional, moody.  On those days, I feel I have let You down.  My progress seems minute and I feel defeated.   I refuse to give up because I know there is the promise and possibility that I will get to share You through my writing serve You with my heart, my hands, my life, by serving others.

               Some days I wonder though, Heavenly Father, am I really going to make a difference.  Will I get to share You in Word, in deed, and in fact.  Or will I let You down with my pitiful efforts and constant setbacks.  Will I get any of Your books finished, let alone published?  Will I find a job to sustain me?  Am I capable of working a job?  Or am I too lazy, too weak, to unwilling?  Will the debilitating loneliness ever disappear?  Will the anguish ever ease?  Will the sorrow ever turn to joy?  Will I really make a difference for You or am I too lazy and self-centered to put You first? 

               It matters.  It matters to me because I love You so much and all I have done over the last, nearly two years, is make myself live and function and continue on to honor, glorify and share You.  It matters because I have to force myself to go out, to eat, to get things accomplished, to meet others, to leave my house, to continue on.  I do this for You while I wonder if it will ever change and life return to my heart, my soul, my life.  

               I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions.  Until I do, I will continue to do these things for You, in honor of You and Hope in You, because I know that no matter how dead and useless I feel, Your Word is my Sword and my defense and Your Word does not come back unfulfilled.  I know that You do have a plan and a future for me, a future of promise and for good.  So for now, I hold on to those promises and am thankful for another day with You in it, because YOU are my God, my Hope, my Future, and my Life.  I trust and believe in You and I give You my life to You to use for Your honor, glory, and Will.  I thank You for Your blessings, promises, and most of all Your Son. Amen.

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

I STILL BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS

 

 

I Still Believe in

Miracles and Magic,

God and Santa Claus

~by~ T. Raceine Hobbs-York

 

You hear a lot of

     “Bah humbug’s”

     at this time of year.

A lot of “Here we go

     again,” and little

     Christmas cheer.

You hear a lot of

     groaning and some

     complaining too.

You hear a lot of

     negative, the

     positive is few.

But I get so excited

     when it’s time to
     deck the halls.

I fear, I must confess,

     I have myself

     a ball.

I look forward to

     the chaos of this

     busy time of year.

It brings out the child

     in me, and lots of

     Christmas cheer.

I love to sing Christmas

     carols about the

     newborn King.

And my heart swells

     with joy when I hear

     the choirs sing.

I love to hear the

     story about my

     Savior’s birth.

I am humbled by the

     miracle of God

     come down to earth.

Every time I see Mary,

     Joseph and Jesus

     in the nativity

My heart is filled with

     wonder and I fall

     down to my knees.

When I hear of the wise men,

     shepherds and a

     manger-stable bed.

I know a cross and crown

     of thorns is where

     God’s Son was led.

Although this happened

     long ago in a far-off

     distant land

It doesn’t change that Jesus

     is Son of God

     and Son of man.

This is what brings

such joy to this

Holy time of year

when we celebrate Christ’s

     birth and we spread

     love, hope, and cheer.

This is a time of miracles

     and magic and the

     chance to share God’s love.

A chance to give to those

     nearby who don’t have

     as much as us.

This is the time to visit

     Santa Claus and to

     sit upon his knee,

to watch the children’s

     faces as they light up

     with joyous glee.

This is the time to get

     together with our

     family and friends,

the time to forgive each

     other and let our feuds

     and fights all end.

Yes, at this special time

     of year as we celebrate

     Christ’s birth, I pause,

For you see, I still believe

     in miracles and magic,

     God and Santa Claus.

 

 

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams



Poem ~ My Praises Are His

  MY PRAISES ARE HIS

       ~by~ T. Raceine York

Two arms are the

  necklace that I wear.

A kiss is my wine

  instead of a tear.

Joy is my mantle.

  Love is my cloak.

Sorrow and heartache

  a musical note.

Peace is my shelter.

  Contentment my goal

as God watches o’er me

  and nurtures my soul.

Hope, love, and peace

  are God’s gift to give.

Not always easy,

  this life that I live.

God is my Master,

  my Sovereign, my Lord.

Forever His Promise,

  Heaven my reward.

One day before Him

  I’ll humbly bow down

to worship my God

  and accept heaven’s crown.

Each day that I live

  A sweet gift to Him.

I hope He finds praises

  and blessings in them.

 
Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

IDENTITY

My lovely daughter gave me these

beautiful roses on my birthday.

IDENTITY

~by ~ T. Raceine York

When you have no identity;

When you don’t know who you are;

When your name is a battleground

it leaves long-lasting scars.

When outsiders argue constantly

about how to pronounce your name

it cracks your soul a little more,

but when family does the same ---

it breaks your heart and angers you.

It makes you doubt your worth.

It makes you question who you are.

It makes you regret your birth.

But there is One who never questions;

He knows exactly who you are.

You are His beloved son or daughter.

You are the treasure of His heart.

He has called you by your name;

the name He gave to you.

So when you doubt who you are

remember, He knows you through and through.

He knew you before time began.

He knew you before you were formed.

He wove you in the innermost parts.

He knew you before you were born.

While others may argue and disagree

about your names’ pronunciation

God is calling you by your name.

You are His dearly loved creation.

 

 

 



Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

Momma Should Have Told Me

(Photo by Ray Tingler)

My husband and I in our engagement photo, 1986.

 

 

MOMMA  SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME

By T. Raceine York

 

Momma told me I could get fat

but she didn’t say I would go flat.

Why didn’t Momma tell me about that?

 

Momma said I wouldn’t always be thin.

She  didn’t say I would grow hair on my chin.

Why didn’t Momma tell me back then?

Momma told me my body would change

but she didn’t say it would be rearranged.

Why didn’t Momma tell me? How strange!

Momma told me my body would grow

But she didn’t tell me parts would hang low.

Why didn’t Momma share long ago?

Momma told me I could pack on the pounds

But she didn’t warn me I would be round.

Why didn’t Momma simply expound?

Momma told me I could get fat

but she didn’t tell me that I would go flat.

Now, why, didn’t Momma tell me about that?

AUTUMN

Photos by T. Raceine York

 

AUTUMN

©T. Raceine Hobbs-York

Outside the air is cool and brisk.

The breeze is cheeky, refreshingly crisp.

The leaves are turning maroon and gold

as Autumn starts to slowly unfold.

Baby animals born in the Spring

leave their mothers to do their own thing.

Leaves on the trees that reached to the sky

float to the ground with a whispery sigh. 

Birds that flew north to birth their young

begin to fly south, summer is done.

Animals scurry to build winter homes

before fierce winter winds begin to moan.

On the tail-end of summers’ heat blast

the first cold day rushes too fast.

The sun is blotted by dreary clouds

cloaking the earth like a mourners shroud.

Longing for warm summer winds to blow

it’s time to prepare for the first snow.

But clothed in her bright colors again

Autumn is cherished like an old friend.

We look at her with awe from our youth.

Aging is beautiful. She is our proof.

We look at her from the prime of life.

She shows calm grace among man’s strife.

We look at her from the wicker chair.

She is quiet dignity, without despair.

In the prime of her life we see her glory.

In our eyes, she is a beautiful story.

Autumn in all of her beauty and splendor

is a treasured friend, we will always remember.

 

Photos by T. Raceine York

 

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams.

What DO I DO?

 

Photo by T. Raceine Hobbs-York

 

 

Me:  Greetings My Dear Friend!  How are you? 

Me:  Just wondering!  Have you visited my blog lately?  NO!!!

Me:  Well, I wonder why you haven't been reading it.

Me:  Oh, I see!  You say there hasn't been anything posted.

Me:  I don't understand why you haven't been reading it.  I have written my blog at least 3 to 4 times a week.  But, I am getting no feedback.  It is so disappointing.  WELL!  I suppose it would help if I posted it, huh? 

Friend:  Say what?!?

Me:  Yep!  I have written something almost daily.  Got blogs piling up. 

Friend:  So, what's holding you back?  I like what you have written so far. 

Me:  I'm not sure what is holding me back.  I have some ideas though.  Some of my blogs have been on why I am holding  back.  It always helps me if I share my thoughts with someone.  But this time I don't know who to share them with, so I thought I would blog about them.  Then I worried about blogging about them.  I'm not worried about what I have shared.  I would like to share my poetry, my thoughts, as well as how my blog is going.  I decided to share what my concerns were on my blog.  I hoped I would get some feedback that would help me evolve Blog What May.  So I wrote those blogs.

Me:  THEN I thought how I hope it will be a sharing thing as well as a learning thing, kinda' like my writing group.  Some good quality critique.  This came about because I am worried my writing isn't as good as others because my education does not include a bachelors or masters degree, only two years of college which was all I could afford.  I write from the heart.  That doesn't mean I'm good, even though I think I have potential.  So I thought it would be nice to have two or three people critique my blog, either before, or after I have posted it.  I have written poetry for 30 years (my kind - I'm learning all sorts of new things about poetry, as uneducated as I am.)  I am smart, just unschooled. 

Me:  I am so excited about my blog.  About sharing my "everyday common, ordinary, every day, simple - yet awesome" poetry.  I have written a few new poems, because I didn't know if sharing my old work would be alright.  And I love a challenge.  Blogging is awesome.  Whether I have one follower, or one-hundred, or one million, it doesn't matter.  I love it.  I just realized what I think I need, here in the beginning anyway, a mentor.  But then I tell myself, everyone is so busy.  SO WHAT DO I DO?  I am doing what I did when I was worried that I wasn't ever going to go to heaven until I became perfect.  When I finally went to God with my problem, He told me I don't expect you to be perfect before you trust me.  I will perfect you.  I need you to let me teach you.  My life became much more peaceful and less worrisome at that point.

Friend:  So!  What's your problem?

Me:  I don't know who to ask.  Everyone I know is so busy with their own writing, who do I ask?  Or do I just muddle along on my own.

 

Me:  Today’s poem about AUTUMN has sat in solitude since Tuesday night; waiting in its holding mode because I want to be perfect, but know I will always want to perfect what I have.  I even took photos of beautiful Fall trees today.  Yet, every time, s soon as my blog is written and I go in to post it, I doubt what I have written.  So, what do I do?  Do you know?

Hmmmm ... wellllll... Don't think.  Don't worry.  Just post this one.  Maybe someone will have an idea.

 

Me:  Great Idea

Photo by T. Raceine Hobbs-York

 Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams; even when you run into a mountain like I have.  Eventually, I believe it will be a molehill.

The Judgment Room

 

 

The Judgment Room

By ~  T. Raceine York

 

I walked into the room with fear and trepidation.

To my profound amazement I found my life on exhibition.

In the middle of the room stood a solitary chair.

In bemusement, I asked myself what I was doing there.

A table by the door held an open book and pen.

I was directed to the chair, not allowed to look at them.

On the wall in front of me was a giant movie screen.

The lights dimmed in the room as I watched every scene.

It was the story of my life playing right before my eyes.

Stunned I watched silently in shame and sad surprise.

I saw every disgraceful injustice, every person I caused pain.

I saw every bad thing I had done, every sinful, ugly stain.

The images before my eyes caused disgust and heartfelt shame.

If I looked inside the book Would it read “guilty” by my name?

I hung my head in misery and choked back my despair.

When I turned my head aside an angel was standing there.

He pointed to the movie screen with sad and troubled eyes.

The scene I saw before me hushed my anguished cries.

I watched God come down to earth in precious infant form.

He made Himself equal to man as He allowed Jesus to be born.

I watched His ministry on earth as He taught us how to live.

Salvation, hope, and love are His most precious gifts.

This was not the greatest gift that God would give to man.

There was one final step to take in His Redemption Plan.

It involved a lonely walk, a cross, and crown of thorns,

a cup of bitter wine and spear, ridicule and scorn.

When Jesus entered Gethsemane He knew death was the final price.

In His compassionate love for man God made the ultimate sacrifice.

God’s love for us is unequaled, unconditional, and unlimited too.

He gave His precious life-blood in His love for me and you.

The picture slowly faded. The screen was dark and bare.

I felt God’s divine forgiveness and release from hell’s despair.

The angel disappeared so I turned to leave the room.

I was afraid to look in the book; afraid it sealed my doom.

In spite of dread I looked inside and wonder filled my soul.

By my name it simply read, “Your debt is paid in full!”

“You will come to live with Me, as My Word foretold

You will enter Pearly Gates and walk on streets of gold.

You will no longer be lost or hurt; no longer will you roam.

I stand here waiting to welcome you to your eternal home.

You have your life to live; Your time does not yet loom.”

On wings of joy and happiness I left The Judgment Room.