MY VALENTINE REMEMBERED

ROBERT my VALENTINE and TRUE SOUL MATE

Our oldest, Robert, and Me (He was always laughing.)



               I don’t really remember much about that night.  As a matter of fact, I have learned that the things I thought I remembered, I have remembered wrong.  The one thing I remember from the moment I found my husband’s lifeless body on the floor at the foot of our king-sized , four-poster bed, until weeks, if not months later, is my mind racing, like NASCAR on speed (the drugs).  I don’t know if my mind refused to accept what I was seeing or, as my oldest daughter, Heather, said over a year later, we were all in shock and couldn’t accept that we had lost our beloved husband and father.

 From the moment I called 911 until after Robert’s funeral, I can’t remember much; except the need to be strong and to be in control of my emotions.  I thought I was in control of my emotions.  I thought I was strong and stoic like I was supposed to be.  I do remember my mind spinning like a top, never stopping, never slowing.  I thought my mind was alert, focused serene.  I thought my head was going to explode from the thoughts and emotions and confusion racing through it.  I was walking.  I was talking.  I was functioning.  Now I realize I was none of those things.  I was a living, breathing zombie.  Inside my head I was screaming at the top of my lungs.  Begging God not to take Bob.  Begging God to help me.  Days like today, I feel those screams, which I never let out lest I fall completely apart, and hold tighter to God to help me through them.

I was breathing.  But I wasn’t alive.  I was functioning.  I wasn’t cognizant of what I was doing but when I did nothing I had time to think, to feel, to hurt, to want to die. 

From the moment I found my husband and later learned that he had passed away; that his heart had just quit, stopped, given out, seized to function, I felt the first true loss of my life and I lost the one human being that made life bearable.  God gave me the love of my life, as my middle daughter, Rachel told everyone after her father died (and I denied because we fought like cats and dogs) and I didn’t even realize it until months and months after I lost him.  God had given me a precious gift and I was so busy feeling guilty because I didn’t think I had God’s blessing because we were unequally yoked (in Christian terms that means I was a practicing Christian.  He was not.) and I had told God I wasn't going to ask for His blessing because I knew He would say "no."  Yet He told me over and over that Bob and I were meant to be together.  Childish me, hanging on to guilt and shame at dishonoring God, instead of going to Him and healing in His love and forgiveness.  God showed me daily Bob and I were meant to be, I just didn't believe Him, until it was too late to live in the joy and peace He had for us.

When I got home that night, I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  But Bob and I had three children who I needed to continue living for.  Because of a promise I had made to God years ago, and because of my children, whom I love dearly, I knew I couldn’t take my own life.  I still feel lost without Robert.  God is helping me every day to cope and continue on living without him.  He wasn’t perfect.  But he was mine.  I am lost without my Valentine. 

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

Lost NOT Alone

         I AM LOST!

         The only thing that has been holding me together the last, nearly, two years is GOD.  Without Him I would have lost it, either gone insane or done something insane.  Living without Robert has been hell on earth.  This makes me realize that my life would be in chaos and out-of-control without God.

         Just imagine a life without God … it would be … … well … …well … I don’t even want to contemplate a life without GOD.  It would be far worse than hell on earth. It would be unendurable.  It is my greatest nightmare, my greatest fear.  Life without God would be untenable.

I am so glad that I don’t have to imagine it.  Ever since God held out His hand and took the hand of this little girl on those stone church steps 48 or 49 years ago, I have been clinging to Him and getting to know Him.  Our relationship has been problematic (on my side) at times, but HE has never ever (I know it is not grammatical) left me or let me down. 

I may be bewildered, confused, perplexed, abandoned, and fragile at this point, but the truth is, I AM NOT ALONE!!! My Heavenly Father is with me.  I am clinging to His hand, holding Him to His promises, and thankful for His PRESENCE in my life. I know that somewhere around the corner He has great plans for me.  My life may be shaken, but my Foundation is stable and secure.  I am wanted!  I am loved!  I am cherished!  I am blessed!

May God bless you and your family this Christmas season as you get together with your family, or as, if you are like me, you sit at home with, or without, pets; I hope you know too that God loves YOU!

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

A WIDOW WONDERS

               He went home to be with our Heavenly Father two years ago this coming February.  It seems like it was only yesterday.  Some days I feel like I am doing okay, but then other days are like today…

               The loneliness is debilitating.  I only accomplish anything by dent of will.  I just want to sleep or play mindless, time-wasting games.  I don’t want to go out.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  Yet, I don’t want to be alone.  I call on my children way too often and when I do go out I still feel this endless, ceaseless, soul-numbing loneliness. 

               In the beginning I tried filling it with constant busyness.  I tried filling it with endless hours of unnecessary, mind-numbing shopping.  I went on a cruise and a non-stop sight-seeing, constant busy trip to St. Louis and New York City.  I have tried to immerse myself in reading and writing only to sit before a blank screen, only to read one paragraph over and over.  Then to end up sitting in front of my computer playing freecell,  solitaire, spider solitaire, and mahjong for hours and hours on end.

               At one point I became obsessed with a new thing called Pinterest.  I would spend up to eight hours a day on it, just surfing and finding things … things … things … not making any progress in anything.  Not accomplishing anything.  Not doing … anything. 

               It has been nearly two years and I still feel … … … LOST!

               Lord, in spite of all You have been to me, done for me, seen me through, I still feel … alone … lost … sad … empty.  I have finally begun to write.  I find solace and promise in that.  But I do it for You.  Because I love You.  Because I adore You.  Because I want to please You.  I have joy because of You … in You … from You.

               BUT I feel guilty because I am Your daughter and I should be moving ahead, getting on with my life and I feel like I am on some days.  On other days I feel terribly sad, emotional, moody.  On those days, I feel I have let You down.  My progress seems minute and I feel defeated.   I refuse to give up because I know there is the promise and possibility that I will get to share You through my writing serve You with my heart, my hands, my life, by serving others.

               Some days I wonder though, Heavenly Father, am I really going to make a difference.  Will I get to share You in Word, in deed, and in fact.  Or will I let You down with my pitiful efforts and constant setbacks.  Will I get any of Your books finished, let alone published?  Will I find a job to sustain me?  Am I capable of working a job?  Or am I too lazy, too weak, to unwilling?  Will the debilitating loneliness ever disappear?  Will the anguish ever ease?  Will the sorrow ever turn to joy?  Will I really make a difference for You or am I too lazy and self-centered to put You first? 

               It matters.  It matters to me because I love You so much and all I have done over the last, nearly two years, is make myself live and function and continue on to honor, glorify and share You.  It matters because I have to force myself to go out, to eat, to get things accomplished, to meet others, to leave my house, to continue on.  I do this for You while I wonder if it will ever change and life return to my heart, my soul, my life.  

               I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions.  Until I do, I will continue to do these things for You, in honor of You and Hope in You, because I know that no matter how dead and useless I feel, Your Word is my Sword and my defense and Your Word does not come back unfulfilled.  I know that You do have a plan and a future for me, a future of promise and for good.  So for now, I hold on to those promises and am thankful for another day with You in it, because YOU are my God, my Hope, my Future, and my Life.  I trust and believe in You and I give You my life to You to use for Your honor, glory, and Will.  I thank You for Your blessings, promises, and most of all Your Son. Amen.

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

I STILL BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS

 

 

I Still Believe in

Miracles and Magic,

God and Santa Claus

~by~ T. Raceine Hobbs-York

 

You hear a lot of

     “Bah humbug’s”

     at this time of year.

A lot of “Here we go

     again,” and little

     Christmas cheer.

You hear a lot of

     groaning and some

     complaining too.

You hear a lot of

     negative, the

     positive is few.

But I get so excited

     when it’s time to
     deck the halls.

I fear, I must confess,

     I have myself

     a ball.

I look forward to

     the chaos of this

     busy time of year.

It brings out the child

     in me, and lots of

     Christmas cheer.

I love to sing Christmas

     carols about the

     newborn King.

And my heart swells

     with joy when I hear

     the choirs sing.

I love to hear the

     story about my

     Savior’s birth.

I am humbled by the

     miracle of God

     come down to earth.

Every time I see Mary,

     Joseph and Jesus

     in the nativity

My heart is filled with

     wonder and I fall

     down to my knees.

When I hear of the wise men,

     shepherds and a

     manger-stable bed.

I know a cross and crown

     of thorns is where

     God’s Son was led.

Although this happened

     long ago in a far-off

     distant land

It doesn’t change that Jesus

     is Son of God

     and Son of man.

This is what brings

such joy to this

Holy time of year

when we celebrate Christ’s

     birth and we spread

     love, hope, and cheer.

This is a time of miracles

     and magic and the

     chance to share God’s love.

A chance to give to those

     nearby who don’t have

     as much as us.

This is the time to visit

     Santa Claus and to

     sit upon his knee,

to watch the children’s

     faces as they light up

     with joyous glee.

This is the time to get

     together with our

     family and friends,

the time to forgive each

     other and let our feuds

     and fights all end.

Yes, at this special time

     of year as we celebrate

     Christ’s birth, I pause,

For you see, I still believe

     in miracles and magic,

     God and Santa Claus.

 

 

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams



Poem ~ My Praises Are His

  MY PRAISES ARE HIS

       ~by~ T. Raceine York

Two arms are the

  necklace that I wear.

A kiss is my wine

  instead of a tear.

Joy is my mantle.

  Love is my cloak.

Sorrow and heartache

  a musical note.

Peace is my shelter.

  Contentment my goal

as God watches o’er me

  and nurtures my soul.

Hope, love, and peace

  are God’s gift to give.

Not always easy,

  this life that I live.

God is my Master,

  my Sovereign, my Lord.

Forever His Promise,

  Heaven my reward.

One day before Him

  I’ll humbly bow down

to worship my God

  and accept heaven’s crown.

Each day that I live

  A sweet gift to Him.

I hope He finds praises

  and blessings in them.

 
Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

IDENTITY

My lovely daughter gave me these

beautiful roses on my birthday.

IDENTITY

~by ~ T. Raceine York

When you have no identity;

When you don’t know who you are;

When your name is a battleground

it leaves long-lasting scars.

When outsiders argue constantly

about how to pronounce your name

it cracks your soul a little more,

but when family does the same ---

it breaks your heart and angers you.

It makes you doubt your worth.

It makes you question who you are.

It makes you regret your birth.

But there is One who never questions;

He knows exactly who you are.

You are His beloved son or daughter.

You are the treasure of His heart.

He has called you by your name;

the name He gave to you.

So when you doubt who you are

remember, He knows you through and through.

He knew you before time began.

He knew you before you were formed.

He wove you in the innermost parts.

He knew you before you were born.

While others may argue and disagree

about your names’ pronunciation

God is calling you by your name.

You are His dearly loved creation.

 

 

 



Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams

Momma Should Have Told Me

(Photo by Ray Tingler)

My husband and I in our engagement photo, 1986.

 

 

MOMMA  SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME

By T. Raceine York

 

Momma told me I could get fat

but she didn’t say I would go flat.

Why didn’t Momma tell me about that?

 

Momma said I wouldn’t always be thin.

She  didn’t say I would grow hair on my chin.

Why didn’t Momma tell me back then?

Momma told me my body would change

but she didn’t say it would be rearranged.

Why didn’t Momma tell me? How strange!

Momma told me my body would grow

But she didn’t tell me parts would hang low.

Why didn’t Momma share long ago?

Momma told me I could pack on the pounds

But she didn’t warn me I would be round.

Why didn’t Momma simply expound?

Momma told me I could get fat

but she didn’t tell me that I would go flat.

Now, why, didn’t Momma tell me about that?