In the Mists of My Mind ~ Part 3 of 3

 

     I could not for the life of me figure out how to express ... to myself ... how I was feeling in all of that time.  But I knew that I wasn't me being myself during this period, if you can see what I mean.  I have read voraciously ever since I was a child and learned to read.  I have been writing ever since I learned how to write and about rhyming words.  I began keeping the things I wrote when I was fifteen years old.  Except for the time when I had children and didn't have time to eat or sleep let alone write anything, even then I managed a few poems each year.  I have always written poems and I have especially, "always" been a reader.  So what happened?  What was the problem?

     Before you say it, I knew it was grief, but I couldn't understand the lack of interest in reading, writing, or interacting with my children and yet desperately wanting to want to do all three of these things.  Instead I flitted from one thing to another like a hummingbird choosing which flower to seek nectar from.  I knew there was a way to define what was going on.  I, a writer, just couldn't figure out how to define it in words myself, let alone to anyone else.

     Well, during the week of 9/11 this year, I was watching the programs they have on, as I always do, and low and behold, one of the firemen who had survived the Twin Tower attacks explained it in one simple sentence.  He said, "After we finally got to go home, I would go home and do anything I could do so I didn't have to think." 

     Slowly over time, just before the OWFI Conference, my mind began to clear.  I began to write in my journal first. Then thoughts for the poetry books I am working on began to pop up in my head and I would jot those down.  Then a thought here and a thought there to add to the novel I am working on began drifting through my mind and I would write those down.  I finally realized I was writing again.  The champagne bubbles were running through my veins again.  The excitement and joy of creating was mine again.  I was returning to life.

     I have begun to read again.  I have stopped playing games on my computer (as often) and have begun to do more than function, I have begun to live again. To feel alive.  To dream again.  To hope again.  God carried me through the storm.  Now He is leading me into my future.  It still isn’t like it was before.  I am sure it never will like it was before again.  I deal with fears and concerns about what I will do to earn a living.  How I will cope with those emergencies that pop up when I had Bob here to keep me grounded.  How I will survive without him there to support and help me.  I do know God is in control and whatever happens He will lead me through the day to day life and comfort me during those times when I miss Robert the most.  It is a difficult road, as many people are aware, but my journey through life has resumed and my heart sings again and my minds joyfully dances with creating and fluttering from one project to the next.

In the Mists of My Mind ~ Part 2 of 3

     Around the time of the anniversary of my husband's death was the worst part of the entire year for me.  I went a little crazy.  I didn't drink, do drugs, or go off and do insane things like bungee jump or jump out of airplanes, but I got on dating web sites and ... God alone knows why I got on those sites.  Someone told my daughter it was because I was lonely.  And I was, desperately lonely.  The truth is, no one could fill that void but my Robert.  However,  I told myself, and anyone that would listen that I was doing good; because I was getting on with my life not drowning in sorrow or hiding under the covers in my bedroom.  Little did I know, I was still hiding.  I simply didn't know it until recently. 

     About a month after the anniversary of Robert's death, I began to come back to the land of the living.  While there is still a deep and gaping void which my husband filled for nearly 30 years, I began to feel joy and laughter, and I began wanting to spend time with my children instead of selling the house we had purchased 25 and a half years earlier and move to somewhere no one knew me and call my children "when" I wanted to call them.  That was weird, I love my children with all my heart and have always treasured and breathed in every moment I have been blessed to share with them; the good, the bad, and the ugly!  But I had wanted to run away from them for over a year.

     I slowly came awake to life again.  I probably began to act a little more normal than I had been over the last year or so.  I'm nutty to start with, so who really knows. 

     I attend an annual writing conference once a year, in my home state of Oklahoma called Oklahoma Writers Incorporated, Inc. (OWFI).  It was when I unexpectedly attended this year that  I really began to come alive.  Until then, I had been existing.  I hadn't wanted to go, but God got in the mix and got me there this year against my decision not to attend..  I'm thankful that He did now.  At the time I kept thinking "why did I come.  I don't want to be here."  I never thought I would think again.  Live again.  Write again.  But that weekend I met new friends, as you always do at these things; I listened to the seminars I attended and listened to the speakers; and I took photos.  Life began to creep back into my bones, my veins, my blood, my heart. 

     Following the OWFI Conference, slowly over time, I would have a thought, then the idea for a poem.  I slowly began to read again.  I stopped playing games on my computer and began to write down how I was feeling, write down ideas for stories for this blog, became creative again.   

~ To be continued ~

 

GRAMNIPOTENCE: UP EARLY

GRAMNIPOTENCE: UP EARLY: UP EARLY My daughter used to sing “Yes, Jesus loves me” at 4:30 in the morning. I would lay in my bed in the dark and wonder if Jesus...

In the Mists of My Mind ~ Part 1 of 3

     After my husband passed away last year everyone thought I would be doing my best work, writing at my very best.  This made me think I should be writing at my very best too.  To my chagrin, not only could I not write a word, I stopped reading altogether; and I am an avid reader.  I would sit in front of the computer, blank screen, and think to myself, "THINK.  Just think.  Put one word down.  Just one."

     Nothing.  Nada.  Not one letter.  Not one syllable.  Not one word.  Nothing.  More surprising, I didn't feel upset or frustrated  about it.  I didn't care.  It did not phase me at all.

     What I did do was turn on my solitaire and play ... for hours ... and hours ... and hours.  I had found Mahjong several months before my husband passed.  I played it.  For hours ... and hours ... and hours, also. 

     A dear friend introduced me to Pinterest.  I very quickly became obsessed with it too.    I would get on Pinterest and look at everything. I started with tea cups and tea pots, animals, houses, nature and styles.  Then I began looking at clothes, doors, windows, house decorating, outside décor, gardening, flowers, anything and everything I could find, I looked at.

     When I wasn't on the computer, wasting time playing and Pinteresting (did I just make up a new word?) I was trying to figure out how to fix every problem with our home --- painting, reflooring, gardening (a new hobby for me), trying to figure out who I was without my husband, figuring out what the next step was in my life.  Our children were basically grown and I needed them more than they needed me.  I worry I wasn't there for them, even though they insist they were fine.  For the first time, I didn't know how to be there for them because I was a ... what? ... not a mess ... more like an automatum … there physically but useless for anything.

     I made myself get up and do the things I thought needed done; basically, I functioned.  Although at the time, I didn't see it that way.  I gave myself brownie points on how well I was doing.  From the moment I found my husband in our bedroom, until sometime this past Spring, I kept telling my children and friends how well I was doing.  I would say, "Didn't I handle that well?"

 

~ To be continued ~

Author of Life

  AUTHOR OF LIFE
           ~by~ T. Raceine York
 
The Word of God
   has come to life;
Come to earth to face
   torment and strife.
The Word was with God
   in the beginning.
He came down to be
   salvation for sinning.
Jesus is God's Word
   and God's Word is in Him.
He is the promised Messiah
   Who saves man from sin.
Jesus, God's Son, is
   God's Word brought to life.
He came down to earth to
   become man's Guiding Light.
Christ Jesus, God's Son,
   our Savior and Lord,
Was in the beginning
   and still is God's Word.
He came from heaven and
   to heaven He returned,
Until He comes again when
   God's Judgment will burn.
Until that day when
   we see Jesus' face
He has left the Holy Spirit
   here in His place,
To lift us up and
   and help us carry on;
To sustain our faith
   and keep us from wrong.
Christ Jesus is
   God's Word come to life.
He is redemption, salvation,
   and God's Guiding Light.
When you read the Bible
   know it's words are true
And that Christ Jesus
   Himself became life for you.

Until next time, my Friends, follow your dreams.
 

Love Letter To Heaven

Saying good-bye isn't easy.  Living without him is even harder.  Twenty-Seven years ago tonight I was getting ready to marry a very special man.  He wasn't a perfect man just like I am not a perfect woman.  But we were perfect for each other. That is what is important to me. Honestly, I didn't see how perfect we were together until he was gone. Every day since the night he passed away I have seen how special we were as a team, a couple, parents, man and wife. I thank God for the years He gave us. I'm thankful to God for the three amazing children that He blessed us with. It wasn't easy. By luck or by God's design, we were making it work. 

God blessed us with three years to get to know each other and 25 and 1/2 years of marriage. They weren't always easy. They went entirely too fast. But they were filled with love, passion for each other, for our children, and for life.  For that, I am so grateful. (Our children would disagree, but we never fought, I say we simply had passionate disagreements.)

 

This is one of the early poems I wrote to and for the man who captured my heart and made me his wife.  Below that is a letter I wrote to him. Things I would tell him if he was still here. 

 

                YOUR LOVE
                       ~by~ T. Raceine York

 

          My heart is full

             of joy and love.

          My soul is free

             as a soaring dove.

          My mind is filled

             with amazed delight

          At how we two

             feel just right.

          My spirits are high

             with childlike glee

          Just from the knowledge

             that you love me.

 

 

 

 

      I pray this letter wings it's way to Heaven and to you, Robert.

 

Dear Robert,

 

     I miss you more than I can express. I wish you were still here more than you could ever have imagined. I am glad God gave you to me for the short years we had together. I pray our children will be loved as well, but maybe not disagree so passionately, or so often. I am sorry for all of the times I hurt you and didn't know and those times I should have apologized but never did. If you are reading this up in heaven I just want to say, I had been meaning to tell you how handsome I always thought you were. I kept waiting because I figured your head was big enough. I want you to know I always told my family and friends behind your back. They just laughed. I know you would have too. I had been planning to tell you for a week; before I could, you were gone. You were a wonderful husband and I was always proud to have you by my side.

     I wish you a blessed and Happy Anniversary, even though I know you are happy and joyful in heaven. For there is no more sorrow; no more tears there.  I love you and I always will. You will never be forgotten because you are still a taproot in my heart that will never be torn out.  I miss you with all that I am. I cannot wait until we meet again in heaven and I can gaze upon your dear face.
 

                                                                          Your Loving Wife,

                                                                                ~ trhy ~

The Next Step - The First POEM

This blog is an incredible opportunity for me to share my poetry and writing with (others) you.  I have invited you to come along on a journey of discovery and creativity. Part of this blog is about discovering who I am after almost 30 years with my late husband and suddenly finding myself alone and hurting after losing him out of the blue last year. It took over a year after his burial to come out of the shock and begin to feel life again. To think again. To read again. To write again. I made myself get out of bed and function so I thought I was doing great. It wasn't until the unbearable pain I faced on the anniversary of  his death and a few months passed that I began to actually live again, not just function. So this blog is about discovering who I am without my husband, love and mate.

Another part of my blog is facing aging with grace and humor. I am 53 years old. That number does not bother me as it does some women. This is because God brought me through a childhood of violence, abuse, and the knowledge of not being loved or protected by those who are supposed to love and protect their children to reach this amazing beginning of life. Living to be this age is a miracle and a blessing to me. I must say the years don't bother me; what bothers me is the fact my body has decided to, not only, quit, hiccup, and give me problems, but to change. What was firm is soft. What could be counted on has become dysfunctional. What was headed north is now headed south. (Now I do have a humorous poem on that, but not today.) Growing up in an age where you didn't talk about anything, I have been absolutely shocked to feel and see how my body is changing and not necessarily for the more positive. This part of aging is an education and a revelation to me. I don't want to be grumpy and dopey now. I would rather be happy and joyful and full of grace.

I am in a learning curve and excited to see where this journey will take me. Do I blog Monday through Friday or every other day? Will I share a thought once, or twice a week? Will I share a poem once, or twice, a week? How will this blog play out? Will I find my rhythm, my pattern, my niche'? I won't fail because I am not going to give up. This is a road on my journey to being a published and successful author.  I can't wait to see what happens. I hope you will go on this journey of discovery with me.
 
       Resting in God's
       Peaceful Haven
 
The day has been fraught
   with tension and stress.
My body is weary.
   My mind is a mess.
I feel worn out and
   weak in the knees.
My heart seeks quiet.
   My soul seeks peace.
I settle myself in a
   comfortable chair.
Bowing my head I
   seek God in prayer.
I have no petition, no
   concern or request.
I ask only He touch me
   with Christ's gentleness.
I invite the Holy Spirit
   to reign down on me
To renew my spirit and
   grant me God's peace.
I invite Jesus in to
   share this time.
I rest in His presence
   and drink of His wine.
I have been emptied by
   the stress of the day
But God gives me strength
   as I quietly pray.
With compassion and grace
   God fills my cup.
He touches my soul
   and fills me with love.
In this precious moment
   I sit at God's throne.
Resting in His arms.
   I don't walk alone.
When my cup has been filled
   and my spirit revived;
When I feel renewed,
   refreshed and alive;
When I am relaxed and
   at peace once again
And God's Holy Spirit
   has soothed from within,
Then I give thanks
   to God up above
for His forgiveness,
   compassion, and love.